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Embracing Being Alone
Why Meeting Someone Doesn’t Fix Loneliness.
one of the biggest keys to self-empowerment is learning to appreciate ALL the emotional experiences that life has to offer instead of dividing them (and consequently yourself) into good and bad experiences. This can be challenging if, for example, you are tired of feeling alone and find yourself dreaming of being in a relationship. To step out of dualistic-perception in this case is to stop polarizing the two states into being alone is painful and being in a relationship is wonderful. Instead…
It is to surrender equally to both sides of the experience.
For anyone wanting to be in a relationship this about opening to the positive aspects of being alone, such as the freedom to make choices without having to consider someone else. For those who fear relationships and love the control and certainty of only choosing for themselves, it is about releasing attachment to the control of being alone and opening the heart / self to the uncertainty of loving (and being affected by) someone else.
Any thought of “I will be happy when…” is a statement that denies your happiness in the present-moment.
“I will be happy when…” is a denial that in every moment you have the choice to take an empowering view of your circumstances (the glass is half full) versus a dis-empowering perspective (the glass is half empty). There is no need for shame or regret in choosing a negative perspective because there is nothing “wrong” in it (the belief that actions are either right and wrong are at the heart of dualistic perception). It is however a choice to live in a reality you feel unhappy about, instead of one you feel gratitude for.
The degree of your resistance to the idea you may be choosing your own unhappiness points to the degree to which you feel yourself to be a victim of your circumstances (as opposed to their creator). The resolution of all dualistic perception (such as alone-together, happy-unhappy, ill-healthy, rich-poor) rests in seeing how both states are equal in how they each possess a balance of both positive and negative qualities. This is to understand the power of the perspective you choose to take as it can either highlight or hide this balance.
Only when you see the options in your choices as equal can you choose between them in freedom instead of fear.
When younger, if I was single I wanted to be in a relationship. And when I was in a relationship—even if it was going well—I would miss some of the freedoms I experienced when single. I now see this was an act of self-sabotage through which I repeatedly diminished my experience to make me face the underlying issue of my unhappiness.
Although being in a relationship may temporarily relieve feelings of being alienated or alone, it does not resolve them. This is to understand and accept the nature of individuality where, even when we are with another person, we can still feel alone. Unless you intend to never be alone—which many people attempt—then in order to resolve your own feeling of loneliness you cannot fear meeting the pain of it. If this applies to you, then I encourage you to stop fighting against your own experience and instead learn to embrace your feeling of being alone. Do not fear it or run from it as it is not the cause of any unhappiness or negativity you may be feeling.
I carried the pain of “I will NOT do this alone” for years. It was only when I surrendered to walking my path alone with a positive attitude that I met my partner (just weeks after).
What you will discover is that most of what you considered the pain of being alone was caused by the way you resisted it. When you embrace being alone, even if it is just with a “making the best of it” attitude, then you will experience its positive qualities. Don’t worry about embracing the fun aspects of being alone—doing so won’t make you single forever. The power and potential of companionship can only arise when you have met, embraced, and transformed your fear of being alone.
Until you know you can stand alone, and until your heart realizes you can flourish in life, then you cannot stand completely in union with another. This is because a part of your relationship will always be governed by your fear of being alone. This fear is a separation from a part of yourself that must be embraced otherwise your fear of it will continue to be felt. Embrace All-That-You-Are, instead of only the parts that feel connected. It is to realize that even the parts of you that can feel disconnected and alone are still a part of you.
Only when you give up the search for another person to complete you, will you find the completeness that arises from loving All-That-You-Are. Only when you find the love you seek within yourself will you find its reflection in the world. This is the nature of life—reality is a teaching mechanism that continually reflects us to ourselves. The “dream relationship” is birthed through the discovery of love in your relationship with yourself.
Until you accept All-That-You-Are, instead of dividing yourself up into good and bad bits, then being in a relationship can only ever point you back to resolving your fear of being alone. Only by releasing your need for another is it possible for your relationship to be based on equality. So…
If you are alone—love it.
If you are in a relationship—love it.
Neither of these states are the cause or cure of loneliness.
transform your loneliness by loving it.
love it by celebrating it.
“I choose to release any belief that I need to be within a relationship to be happy or accomplish my goals.”
The nature of individuality means that although being in a relationship may relieve feelings of alienation or loneliness, it does not resolve them. Unless you intend to never be alone—which many attempt—to resolve the feeling of loneliness you must not be afraid to fully meet it inside yourself.
embrace your feeling of being alone. Do not fear it or run from it as it is not the cause of any unhappiness or negativity you may be feeling. The power and potential of all that companionship can be can only arise when you have met, embraced, and transformed your fear of being alone.
Unless you know you can stand alone—unless your heart realizes it can flourish in this life—you cannot fully stand in union with another person because a part of your relationship will always be governed by your fear of being alone. In this state you are separated from a part of yourself and your fear will be manifested through your choices.
In order to experience Unified-Diversity—as well as realizing the unity of all life—you must embrace your singularity / your uniqueness / your diversity. Unified-Diversity is the allowance of both the unity and the separation. This is to embrace All-That-You-Are—instead of only the parts that feel connected—because it is to realize that even that which feels disconnected is still you. To only love that which feels connected is to be within a dualistic viewpoint—because to perceive and divide what feels connected from what does not feel connected is an action that can only arise within polarized perception.
Only when you give up the search for another person to complete you, will you find the completeness that arises from loving All-That-You-Are. Only when you find the love that you seek within you, will you find its reflection out in the world. This is the nature of our reality. The ‘dream relationship’ with another person is primarily birthed through having the dream relationship with yourself first. Until that is in place, all external relationships will only ever point you back to resolving your fear of being alone.
Only by releasing your need to be with another person is it possible for your relationship to be based on equality. If you are alone, love it. If you are in a relationship, love it. Neither of these states are the cause or cure of loneliness. Transform your loneliness by loving it. Love it by celebrating it.
There is nothing you cannot do on your own.
Any thought of “I will be happy when …” is a statement that denies you happiness in the present moment. This is to deny that in every moment you have the choice to take an empowering vantage point on your circumstances—‘the glass is half full’—versus a disempowering vantage point—‘the glass is half empty’.
There is no ‘wrongness’, shame, or need for regret in choosing a negative vantage point. Just recognize it is a choice to live in a reality that you feel unhappy about—instead of one for which you feel gratitude. The amount of resistance a person has to the idea they are ‘choosing to be unhappy’ is proportionate to how much they feel a victim of their reality—as opposed to the creator of it.
being alone and being in a relationship are both qualities of the mortal experience made possible by our individuality. To step out of dualistic perception is to cease to polarize those qualities such that ‘being alone is bad’ and ‘being in a relationship is good’. It is to surrender to both fully (with the understanding that all you do fully, you do equally).
For some people, this is about opening themselves to the positive aspects of being alone. Conversely, for other people it is about releasing their attachment to the control of being alone and opening their heart to the uncertainty of loving someone else. Whatever dualistic quality it may be—alone-together, happy-unhappy, ill-healthy, rich-poor—the resolution lies in seeing the relative equality of both states. Only then can you choose between them in freedom—instead of from a state of fear.
For many people, when they are alone, they want to be in a relationship, and when they are in a relationship—even when it is going well—they find themselves missing some of the freedoms they experienced when single. This is a form of self-sabotage through which a person continually diminishes their experience of the present moment. Know that just to see this behavior in yourself is to already have begun transforming it.